I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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