my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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