I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
