She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
