Girls should come with a carfax report
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
