I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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