You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
