Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just found a bag of teeth...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
