...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
