Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
