Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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