I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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