rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
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