so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
