so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
