Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
