I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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