Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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