Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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