There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
