Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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