I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
