Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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