i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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