smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Your cock deserves a montage
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
