Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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