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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
