Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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