I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
