And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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