please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
