....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
