i love accidental penises.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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