physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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