Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
