I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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