My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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