Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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