I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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