How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
