Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
