Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
