I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
