never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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