I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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