dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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