I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
