i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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