I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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