I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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