It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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