Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize