I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
