Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
