Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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