question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
