I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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