I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
then he tried to convert me to islam
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
