Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
